Dreams

I have always had weird dreams. I mean pay-lots-of-money-to-a-highly-trained-professional-to-analyze-the-craziness weird dreams. Jay just usually shakes his head at me and probably wonders what my problem is.

Last night was different.

I have been wondering the past couple of days if I really do love this little guy. I'm enamored by him - think he's just the best kid every - but wasn't sure if it really was love. I've been questioning myself and wondered when I would know for sure.

I do now.

Last night I had a NIGHTMARE!! I can't remember the last time I had such a horrible dream. You know, the kind that makes you wake up and sit straight up? I had a nightmare that Alex died. It was HORRIBLE. I won't go into all of the details as it will just get me upset again. It was a very weird dream....many things in it would never (could never) happen.

I woke up with a start and sat straight up in bed. I was gulping breath....like I just couldn't breathe right. I then got out of bed and checked to make sure that Alex was still breathing. I then crawled back in bed and started bawling. Jay woke up and wasn't sure what was wrong with me. I couldn't stop crying, and I was afraid to go back to sleep.

I still can't get it out of my head. As horrible as it was, I think it was God's way of convincing me that I DO love this little man. I wish He would have found a different way to let me know.