I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. I Samuel 1:27

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Randomness

Have you ever had a friend - someone you were pretty close with - that you stopped talking to. You don't know why - nothing happened - but the phone calls kind of stopped - and the emails. And then, one day, you think about them and want to call them or email them, but you don't know what to say. Talking about your day seems pretty stupid since you haven't talked to them is so long. You could try to get them up to speed on what is going on in your life, but when you do that, it just seems dumb. Jobs, kid, marriage - it doesn't seem very exciting. So, instead, you don't call or email - and then more time goes by - and it just makes it harder.

That's how I feel about my blog. It's been so long since I've written about anything, I'm not sure where to start.

So - I'm going to just start. :)

Alex has been going through what I can only hope is a stage. He has become defiant, bossy, opinionated, crabby, and rageful (is that a word?). I'm trying to figure out if this is just a stage, or if I'm a bad mom.

The worst, for me, was a couple of weeks ago. We went out to eat and Alex was a handful. He was screaming and crying and wouldn't listen at all. I had to take him out of the restaurant a couple of times, and Jay took him out once. (yes, Michelle, I think you know what night I'm talking about) I can't remember the last time I was so embarrassed. The looks I was getting - oh my gosh!!! I literally cried the entire way home that night.

Then I got to thinking - why did this bother me so much? Is it because my friend's 2 year old actually behaves when we go out? Is it because I'm worried that we are over indulging our only child? Is it because of my control issues - and I can't "control" him anymore? Is it because that deep down inside me I worry that he has some adoption related issues that I'm not recognizing?

And - this is VERY hard for me to admit - but I think I have to put it out here. I think I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts - or at least I hope I'm not.

About three weeks ago, I was having a particularly hard day with Alex and for one fleeting moment, I wondered if we did the right thing. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom. I thought about how "easy" our life was before him and I thought for one second that it would be nice to go back there.

And then the guilt - oh the guilt!!! I then started thinking about how much we wanted a child and everything we went through to become parents and I couldn't believe I was thinking this. I really think that as adoptive parents we think that we have to be even more thankful for our children. I don't know if parents think this of their biological children - but that day has been in my mind ever since.

And it doesn't help any that I have been changing my blood pressure medicine for the past month or so and so far we haven't found anything that is working. Because of this, I've had horrible headaches and nausea almost non stop. (I'm not a very patient person when I'm not feeling well)

I haven't taken any pictures of Alex lately - he won't stay still long enough and whenever I get the camera out he wants to see what is on the camera - even though I haven't taken a picture yet.

So, there it is - I'm having major feelings of inadequacy and it sucks.

So, friends, I hope I'm back now. (although Mob Wars on Facebook is becoming my new addiction)

14 comments:

Sarah said...

Not so random... and I can assure you that those feelings are the same with bio and adopted kiddos... the guilt is all there reserved for EVERY mother for the rest of our lives!

And... the stage? Yep... I have Senorita McBossypants and McCrabbypants living with me too... it is all part of them discovering themselves and realizing there is more to the world than just themselves and their parents and figuring out how to manipulate it to their liking... fun stuff, huh? Hang in there!

I hope your BP issues get worked out... that is nothing to be messing around with. I am so sorry you have been feeling so terrible!

Big huge hugs and prayers!

Sarah

Carrie said...

I think as first time moms we put SO much pressure on ourselves and focus on every little thing and know the HUGE impact we have on our children it is overwhelming sometimes.

And guilty--I feel guilty for everything.

It is a stage and a phase and you are a wonderful, loving, caring mom and you did the right thing. Everyone has those thoughts and feelings. We have fantastic children and I know we are very lucky with Savannah, but of course I feel everything is my fault or I am missing something, etc. I worry that she is so shy, so attached, still takes milk out of a bottle, still co-sleeps, etc. I think we tend to "blame" things on adoption, but ALL children have their issues and so do parents.

You LOVE Alex so much and that is what matters and even people you love get on your nerves and push your buttons. All toddlers have their toddler moments, days, weeks, months, etc. I know I am blessed with a super toddler, but she has her moments too, like we all do.

I hope you start feeling better and thanks for being so open and honest and I have missed you!

Cameo said...

I think the technical term for what you are experiencing is "motherhood". And I have found when life hands you lemons, go on to FB and play Mob Wars!

JuJu - said...

sounds a lot like my life most days - throw in a couple of hormonal teens and a twenty year old that would rather sit and play the guitar than graduate from college;)

two year olds

hhhhhhhmmmmmm.........

Abby Grace is not even two yet- but let me tell you that she gives us a run for our money sister:)

it is hard - every day - it is hard - but every day it is good - no - it is great -

out of all the moms in the world he picked you - God chose you to be Alex's Mom - AND HE KNEW WHAT WE WAS DOING;)

you are doing a geat job and Alex is a normal kiddo -

love and hugs to you and know that you are not the only one that feels that way or the only one with a child that makes you want to pull your hair out from time to time:):)

hug you from me:)

Gfest could be REAAAALLLLLLY interesting this year;)LOL:)

Michelle Smiles said...

Whether we have our kids through adoption or biology, I think we all have days where we wonder if we did the right thing in having them.

I've been surprised that I am enjoying Tessa as a baby so much. I was so uptight with Sabrina as a baby because I wanted to do it all the right way that I think I missed a little of the joy.

I am lucky to be blessed with mostly well behaved children but hubby and I were still lamenting our loss of quiet time alone this weekend. I would miss my kids terribly but 1 Saturday or 1 Sunday with just my hubby and I alone would be heavenly.

Kelly said...

:( So sorry you are having a rough time but let me assure of a few things:

*ALL mothers remember what life was like before kids (BK-as we call it) and miss the carefree times of lets go to a movie right now!

*ALL two year olds are defiant one way or another, some just do it at home.

We have a SASSY 5 year old little girl whose mouth is more than words can say. And a very different 23 month old who wants his way or the highway.

I say it's a kids job to test us and it's our job as parents to teach them the rules.

Try to be consistant with Alex, it will go along way. When Parker was this age, we would take her outside (restaurant, store, mall, church wherever) when she got too big for her panties. She learned very quickly, it was not a good thing to go ouside (usually it meant a spanking if the talking didn't work-lucky for us, she usually got it with the talking). Anyway, when she was about 3, a little girl was throwing an absolute fit in a gift store near our house demanding her mother buy her something. Parker says to me: "Mommy she needs to go outside!" -- I knew then we had been doing all the right things. And do you know the mother still bought things for the demanding child? What lesson did she teach her child? Scream and be disrepectful in public to get what you want, I'll pass on that lesson.

You are a wonderful Mother and don't you forget it. We all do the best we can and sometimes we are not perfect but that's okay, God understands.

And best of all, Alex loves you no matter what! Just keep remembering that, it always makes it better.

Mandy said...

I can't give you any advice, but I am glad that you are back! :-)

Alleen said...

Girl, you are not alone- on any of it.

I am ashamed to admit, I've had a few of those fleeting thoughts on more than one occassion. I have a major handful with Gabriella. Remember last year at GFest? Well, multiply by 100, add in a child who NEVER, EVER, EVER listens no matter what we do and yeah, well....... I love her to pieces, but some days it's rough. She is having a horrible time with not getting her way all the time lately. Like Cameo said, it's motherhood.

You are absolutely NOT a bad mom and don't ever forget it.

I hope you work out the meds issues. I agree when you're feeling crappy, it makes the hard stuff that much harder.

margaret said...

I'm glad you're back (even though I rarely comment, I love reading your blog). I agree with Julia - Gfest will be interesting this year. All of those who had fairly calm one year olds last year will be showing up with our spunky, feisty two year olds. They will be running the show! Looking forward to seeing you again. Hang in there. A vacation is just around the corner.

nikki said...

Kim,
Thank you so much for posting about this. The fact is that as adoptive parents we somehow feel that because we waited and longed for our children, we should never have an unhappy moment with them in our lives.
When we all know motherhood is tuff and some days it just kicks our butt. And if your not feeling well, that just adds to the unhappy moments.
Just know that we are all feeling it with you.
Here's a song that helped me get thru a screaming car ride with Olivia the other day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXn0kAtNpso&feature=related

Robyn said...

Kim, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. I can definitely understand because I've had some tough times as well. I think its a normal part of being a mommy and us mommies have to stick together and support each other when we need it. :)

Like Sarah said, what Alex is going through is a stage. Miss G is going through it right now, too. She is very independent and has a HUGE attitude. Hang in there!!

Robyn

Soltana said...

Hey girl~ I was thinking about you guys the other day. When Cerah was carrying around the picture of her and Alex:)
Sorry you've had some rough days. I TOTALLY understand. It's a tough job being a momma.. but you're doing great!!

ALL moms have the same feelings at one point or another I'm sure.
Hang in there it only gets worse:) Just kidding!!

Hugs to you guys and we miss ya
Now I'm going to look at Mr Man's pictures:)

Bekah said...

Kim--There are days I want to give all my children away because I feel like a crappy mom and feel like I just don't have enough to give. Don't feel guilty, I have had the same thoughts towards Benjamin that I have towards Eloisa on hard days. It does suck and it does make you feel crappy but you are a great mom even if you (we all!) have bad moments. Thanks for this honest post though. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Isa has rages as well. We don't know how to handle her sometimes....is it just her warrior like personality, is it adoption issues, etc. We'll have to chat sometime. Would love to talk about it with you. Love, Bekah

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you Kim!! Landen has his moments too...and they are usually when we are out to dinner...with friends too! He can be such an angel and then there is a little devil inside of him too. You are not alone!! The crazy thing is...some of my friends say three is worse than two. OMG!! Hang in there girl. Give me a call sometime and we'll get our monsters together so they can play. :-)

Kirsten