Have you ever had a friend - someone you were pretty close with - that you stopped talking to. You don't know why - nothing happened - but the phone calls kind of stopped - and the emails. And then, one day, you think about them and want to call them or email them, but you don't know what to say. Talking about your day seems pretty stupid since you haven't talked to them is so long. You could try to get them up to speed on what is going on in your life, but when you do that, it just seems dumb. Jobs, kid, marriage - it doesn't seem very exciting. So, instead, you don't call or email - and then more time goes by - and it just makes it harder.
That's how I feel about my blog. It's been so long since I've written about anything, I'm not sure where to start.
So - I'm going to just start. :)
Alex has been going through what I can only hope is a stage. He has become defiant, bossy, opinionated, crabby, and rageful (is that a word?). I'm trying to figure out if this is just a stage, or if I'm a bad mom.
The worst, for me, was a couple of weeks ago. We went out to eat and Alex was a handful. He was screaming and crying and wouldn't listen at all. I had to take him out of the restaurant a couple of times, and Jay took him out once. (yes, Michelle, I think you know what night I'm talking about) I can't remember the last time I was so embarrassed. The looks I was getting - oh my gosh!!! I literally cried the entire way home that night.
Then I got to thinking - why did this bother me so much? Is it because my friend's 2 year old actually behaves when we go out? Is it because I'm worried that we are over indulging our only child? Is it because of my control issues - and I can't "control" him anymore? Is it because that deep down inside me I worry that he has some adoption related issues that I'm not recognizing?
And - this is VERY hard for me to admit - but I think I have to put it out here. I think I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts - or at least I hope I'm not.
About three weeks ago, I was having a particularly hard day with Alex and for one fleeting moment, I wondered if we did the right thing. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom. I thought about how "easy" our life was before him and I thought for one second that it would be nice to go back there.
And then the guilt - oh the guilt!!! I then started thinking about how much we wanted a child and everything we went through to become parents and I couldn't believe I was thinking this. I really think that as adoptive parents we think that we have to be even more thankful for our children. I don't know if parents think this of their biological children - but that day has been in my mind ever since.
And it doesn't help any that I have been changing my blood pressure medicine for the past month or so and so far we haven't found anything that is working. Because of this, I've had horrible headaches and nausea almost non stop. (I'm not a very patient person when I'm not feeling well)
I haven't taken any pictures of Alex lately - he won't stay still long enough and whenever I get the camera out he wants to see what is on the camera - even though I haven't taken a picture yet.
So, there it is - I'm having major feelings of inadequacy and it sucks.
So, friends, I hope I'm back now. (although Mob Wars on Facebook is becoming my new addiction)