I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. I Samuel 1:27

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Crying....

I'm sorry I've been MIA for the past couple of weeks.

I've been crying and grieving a lot recently - for Alex's birthmom. I don't know why I'm doing this now - and not when we brought him home - or at his first birthday.

I had my first breakdown at the end of August. I was telling Alex his adoption story (like I try to do quite frequently) and I just starting bawling and couldn't stop. I know that this is a normal process and I just have to work through it but it's been hard.

All I think of is what a great, amazing, smart, funny, loveable kid Alex is and how she is missing this. I feel guilty that I get to experience this - that I'm the one that gets to read him books, hear his first words, tuck him in at night - mostly because there isn't a social network in Guatemala that would have supported H. in keeping him.

I was doing pretty good until yesterday. For the first time in about 9 months I was listening to our local Christian Music Station. A song came on that I immediately recognized as a Mark Schultz song. I knew he had a new album that had just been released. And then I listened to the song. I almost had to pull over I was crying so hard.

The song name is "Everything to Me." Mark Schultz was adopted and this is a love song to his birthmom. A way to let her know that he's had a good life and he's so grateful that she gave *him* life.

I just pray that H. understands how much we appreciate her and the gift she gave us.

If you haven't seen it/heard it - here's the video. I suggest you have Kleenex ready.

16 comments:

Carrie said...

OH Kim. I feel for you. I guess we cannot question our emotions and when or why things hit us at a certain time. I am the same way. I will just have an emotional day for what seems like no rhyme or reason. I tend to think of Savannah's birthmother on her (the birthmother's birthday).

Losing my mom at a young age, I just sometimes pull the car over crying because it just hits me like a ton of bricks. It can be something on the radio, something you see, or nothing obvious.

You are such a kind and feeling person and Alex will appreciate that so much when he gets old and you talk about his adooption.

I have a very good friend who chose an adoption plan when she was a teenager who found herself alone and pregnant. She ended up getting married and having children many years later, but she says to this day, in her heart, she knows it was the right thing to do for the love she felt for her child and that she doesn't regret her decision for a minute for choosing life and giving this family this gift. It helped me get through what I was feeling so much to talk to her (this was 30 years ago, domestic adoption). She can open the records now, but she isn't going to.

I wish you love and comfort as you get through this time.

I think we will always live with a piece of our child's birthmother close in hearts (especially becasue we get a photograph and information in the family court report, unlike in other countries).

Thinking of you! Here's a big long distance hug!

Andrea said...

Oh wow- thanks for the Kleenex warning! I am just a mess here! I've been emotional lately as well. Today was K's readoption day, and I have been thinking so much about his birth mom. I hope she knows how much we love him, and how much we love her for the gift she has given us!

Giving you big hugs!!

Ginger--Maya's mommy said...

Oh Kim!!! My heart is breaking for you. Love that song. I will be praying you.

Kerry said...

Oh, honey. You're not the only one. It's been hitting me really hard lately too for some reason. Maybe it takes a year or so to really process all the emotions?? I've been thinking a lot about "this time last year" too. I feel overwhelmed and incredibly blessed to have my son here for the holidays this year. It's a true miracle. With Cameron's birthday coming up, my heart has been aching for his birth mother. I feel such incredible love for her, and I've never even met her. There's a connection there that I can't even explain. I just pray constantly that God has his arms around her and that she knows how much we love this precious little child.

Bekah said...

i have seen that video before but it gets me every time. it's a good reminder to me to keep praying for our birth mom. i get so wrapped up in getting isa home and focusing on me, me, me that i forget about the pain that she will always experience.

The Ariniello's said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers...Thanks for the Kleenex warning...That was a very poweful song.
Hugs-
Dori

Sarah said...

Thanks for the kleenex alert! The song sums it up for alot of us... thanks for sharing your feelings today. Alex is a blessed little boy, his mommy loves him more than he can ever possibly know. And you are lucky to have him as well.

(((HUGS)))

Sarah and Sophie~Bug

Christina said...

This is an awesome video and is a great way to put the feelings of an adoptee into words(I am adopted too). Each night when I go to bed I pray that Aiden's birthmom knows how much we thank her for blessing us with this very special little person in our lives and I pray she knows how much we love him to pieces. Hugs.

Kristen and the Gang said...

I can totally relate, Kim!!! it is really hard to think of the sacrifice that the Bmom makes when we get the greats gift of our lives...it is so bitter sweet!

Kris and Mindy said...

You are not alone in how you feel and it is totally normal to grieve and grieve often I think! I have had so many days when I am doing something and just look over at Kayla and out of the blue think of her birthmother and wonder what she thinks, how she is doing, if she is OK. We have been blessed to be able to send photo albums of Mikayla down to her twice along with letters but have never gotten anything in response. What I wouldn't give to just hear a few short words from her. It's so hard...and not only do I grieve for the birthmother...I grieve for Mikayla...this is harder sometimes then I thought...
Hugs

N & D said...

Just amazing!

The McKenzie Crew said...

Now I know why I haven't been able to read your blog - Abby turn 6 months old in the morning - and I have cried a lot for Bua miss her ai am going to send her this vidoe:)

jajbs said...

Kim,
I had never really thought about Bella's birthmom until we went down for pickup last week. I could not get way from thoughts about her. I guess it was the fact that this time we were really taking Bella home to the US and reading our social workers's report about her reasons for placing Bella for adoption.

I have found myself crying ever since and you have given me the courage to post about that on my blog... thank you for sharing this with us!

amanda

Crystal said...

oooh Kim --I am crying now as I read your words! OOOH honey trust me you are not alone and Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post!!!

When we went to pick up Sophie I could not stop thinking of her birthmom --night and day I felt liking finding her because I had such an urgency to tell her how much we loved Sophie and how grateful we were to her --It has also been hitting hard me a lot latey too I don't know if it is because the hoildays are coming and last year I dreamt of having Sophie her with us sooo many times-I don't know but I am with you honey!!!!-Thank you sooooo much for posting this I wish I could give you a BIG HUGE HUG and tell you I am right there with you sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (((((HUGS))))))))) to you big hugs to you and precious Alex!!!!!!!

Alleen said...

I think every one of us can relate to your feelings. It's inevitable. For me, being adopted myself, I find so many conflicting thoughts running around in my head sometimes.

Becca said...

You and I are on the same wavelength - I'm feeling it, too. All we can do is share with Alex and Ella as much as we can about their birthmoms and pray for them everyday. I'm right there with you.